Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Law of Averages - unofficial blurb, opinions wanted

The storyboarding course had to be set aside yesterday so I could complete edits on Law of Averages. They've been sitting on my laptop since Christmas Eve but I couldn't face rechoreagraphing steamy sex scenes while my kids were watching The Backyardigans or Spy Kids next to me on the couch. Ewww!

In addition, I had to come up with a blurb - that nugget of story meant to entice the reader to buy. I did up a very short punchy paragraph and sent it off to Kelli, aka editor-extraordinaire, then went to bed. Alas,... sleep was short. The blurb sucked on deep subconscious level and I must have come to that realization sometime around 1am, because I was out of bed and rewriting.

I NEED YOU, PEOPLE!! Please, your honest opinions on the following would be greatly appreciated. Would YOU be enticed to buy?


Megan Frost, an up and coming restaurateur, knows everything there is to know
about the culinary arts, but when it comes to pop culture, she’s been living
under a rock. During a vacation to the sunny island of Bermuda, the yummiest
dish she’s ever laid eyes on rolls that rock right off her.

British musician, Gabriel Law, the famous Dark Angel of Rock, regrets putting his song writing on the back burner. Tired and creatively simmered out, he retreats to
the peace and solitude of Bermuda in order to cook up some original sounds for
his new album. But when he finds a naked, sunburned and self-proclaimed average
girl in his holiday cottage, he happily exchanges seclusion for sizzling

The ingredients for a sexy, scorching relationship are in place, but the recipe isn’t complete with out a legend, a mysterious taxi driver and a shimmering aquamarine…

Let me know: is it hokey, jokey or okey-dokey? Thanks blog-buds!


Amy Ruttan said...

I thought it was good. I especially liked the end paragraph, to be honest that is what grabbed me the most "The indgredients for a sexy, scorching relationship are in place, but the recipe isn't complete with out a legend, a mysterious taxi driver and a shimmering aquamarine.

That really hooks me there, got to know about teh mysterious taxi driver. :D

Hey is this a Jewel of the Nile??

Susan Helene Gottfried said...

Love the taxi driver ... but I hate the trying-too-hard-to-be-hip line about rolling the rock right off her. Yick.

Maybe... "the yummiest dish she's ever laid eyes on proves that living under a rock doesn't mean she can't roll, too."

"the yummiest dish she's ever laid eyes on teaches her that you can live in a cave and rock hard, too."

Or something like that. Hmm. If you want to bounce ideas off each other, you know how to reach me!

M. said...

at first i was confused at the part of the first paragraph about rolling the rock off, thinking, "but that's not foodish, that's musical"

then i got to the second pargraph and said "oh, i get it", and understood why he was creatively "simmered" out as well (same ploy in reverse).

so that worked alright for me. the part that i can't quite make friends with (in contrast to amy) is the final sentence - i keep getting stuck at the use of 'recipe' for those final 3 non-food ingredients (even thought i get how the word relates back to her as restaurateur). can't suggest a much more creative alternative word than 'mix', though.

also, my personal opinion is that the impact of the final adjective/noun pair is weakened by the fact that the preceding noun has an adjective as well. if it were simply '...legend, taxi driver and shimmering aquamarine' it would feel stronger. or for even more punch, reduce taxi driver to one word as well (corresponds better with the single word of 'legend') - maybe 'a legend, a taxi, and a mysterious aquamarine'?

Leah Braemel said...

I was with you until that last sentence. It lost the punch and made it seem like you were trying too hard. Isn't that weird how some people like it and others don't?

I like the idea of the recipe ... how about something like "The ingredients for a sexy, scorching relationship are in place. Toss in a legend, a mysterious taxi driver and a shimmering aquamarine and the ..." okay, I die out there ... I'll have to think on this.

Bonnie said...

susan helene has channelled my thoughts: I want to meet the taxi driver but must agree that the last sentence is trying too hard.

First paragraph, last line, try this: ...she's ever laid eyes on brings her out of hiding.

I'd prefer creatively spent to simmered out, as you're already cooking up soon after. ;)

Try this: ...average girl in his holiday cottage, he happily exchanges solitude for a sizzling duet.

Of couse, that might be even cheesier than what you already had. Now I gotta go paint Deb's house...

Amy Ruttan said...

Well see I like the last sentence, it really grabbed me.

Sorry I can't offer to many correct grammar etc on it Wylster ... I guess it's a matter of taste.

I really liked the mystery of the last sentence. I want to read it to know what the heck you are talking about. :D

All these smart bookish people come in here after me ... simple old me. LOL!! ;)

Anonymous said...

I like Bonnie's suggestion for the "sizzling duet." :)

And I like the mystery of the last sentence, but I wonder if you might want to mention more specifically that Megan doesn't realize who Gabriel is. You allude to that with the rock sentence, but the way the sentence reads, it sounds as though Gabriel reveals himself to Megan right off, when the fact that he doesn't comprises part of the conflict / tension to the story.

Good luck! The food metaphors are cute. :)

Shelley Munro said...

You're probably already done by now but I think you need to simplify. I had to read it twice and concentrate really hard to understand what was going on. The bones of a blurb are here but you need to scrape away some of the fat, so to speak. My editor always tells me to concentrate on the sizzle and heat between my characters rather than laying out a precis of the plot.

That taxi driver sounds intriguing ;)

Gabriella Hewitt said...

I'm dead asleep at 1am. I think you deserve an award for being that creative.

I liked it. I agree though that you might want to slim it down if you can. In particular the "But when he finds..." sentence. It's a mouthful to get through.

The last line is great though. It manages to pull the reader in further, which is the whole point!

Wylie Kinson said...

Amy, SHG, m., TL, Bonnie, Gabriell, Leah, Shelley...

I knew I was asking the right people!!

Thank you ALL, so much. You've given me some SOLID things to work on, and I appreciate you taking the time to give me your feedback.

Susan Helene Gottfried said...

Yeah, there IS good feedback here.

Having read the book, I wouldn't go the recipe route. It isn't as prominent as this blurb makes it sound.

We are such an awesome group. It's so cool to be part of you guys!