Summer holidays are draining my creative juices, so I borrowed the wisdom of syndicated columnist Dave Barry - and bring you his hilarious version of
THINGS IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN
- Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the
A large group of professionals built theTitanic. Ark.
- A person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
- The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
- There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
- Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into some thing acceptable to have with dinner.
- The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
- People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
- If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
- You should not confuse your career with your life.
- Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
- Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
- You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
- Your friends love you anyway.